I ride a camel to spend a night in the desert, sands, and stone hit me in the face, "you are not enough", the wind whispers, the darkness of the sky swallows me raw. I shut my eyes and all I can see is the darkness without the borders. I ran to get away, I ran fast without my baggage. I took a hike to spend a night in the mountain, damp roads twisted my ankle, sharp stones cut holes in my body. I scream and shout so loud that I can hear my echo filled with despair. I ran to get away, I ran fast without the wounded body parts. I hop on a plane to spend a night in the city, I lay in my bed next to the window, the sound of the ambulance is so sharp it went straight to my brain, it was trapped like a headless fly, it hits and strikes. I tried to run but I have nowhere else to go.
The doctor did surgery on me the next morning. I realized that there is no geographical solution to my problem. Wherever I go, it follows. I cannot run away from it. The baggage I left in the desert, the wounded body parts, the torturing noises. I idealized the thought of solitude, I wished to live in solitude for the rest of my life. Away from pain and anguish. But how am I supposed to be isolated with myself when the problematic thoughts and insecurities come from me.
I left the operating room. I see the pure blankness, it is empty and meaningless. I feel nothing, there are no more emotions, I am numb and dull. I look at the wrinkly map in my hands but cannot remember a thing.
I woke up on my bed, all I feel is the tingly pain on my head, I tried to sit up and block the strong white light that is directly above me. Another patient is lying in the bed next to me, I can't tell if the patient is awake or not, he is facing the window, my eyes are still trying to adjust the bright light. The windows are tinted and protected with several metal window fences, the fences are stainless, looks like they just got installed last night. I am trying to remember when was the last time I am conscious but my head is mushy like a marshmallow, nothing comes to me, I don't know whether it is day or night. A fresh banquet of daisy lying on my bedside table, the vibrant yellow color of the flower is the only color in the room. Everything is white, from the corner of the wall to the tiles. A half glass of water, someone must be here just now, the seat next to my bed is still warm. I kicked the chair with my feet and it moved a few inches from my bed. The room is so quiet, even my own breathing sounds obnoxious, the noise of the chair was harsh and loud, it is like ripping a crispy paper, I can hear the echo down the hallway.
The iv-drip bag above my head is almost empty, drip-drop, drip-drop, it is the same pace as my breathing. "Hello!" I yelled for help, no one answers me, I kept waiting, only to find out the hour hand of the clock on the wall is missing and only the second hand of the clock is moving. The skinny red hand moves so fast, I squint my eyes just to roughly tell the time. I waited at least five minutes and no one showed up. A sound of sizzles was made, it sounds like the friction between bedsheets and the blanket, I roll over thinking the other patient is awake, but he hasn't moved from his previous position. Pulling the iv-drip out of my hand wasn't as painful as I thought it is going to be, the blood left a stain on the pure white sheet, it is such an eyesore to see the little brown dot on the sheet, I tried to wipe it out with my thumb.
I walk out the optometry area to where it seems to be the waiting area, air condition of the hospital is really strong, there is no shoe on my foot, the freezing marble floor gives me goosebumps on my arm and a chill on my back. Steal seats along the narrow hallway are empty and so is the hallway, it seems like I am the only living thing in here. Walls along the side still have wet paint on them, I scraped my nails on the wall as I walk hoping I can find my way back.
A special room caught my eye, I heard noises coming from it. There is no door, I have to bend down and peek through the mail slot on the wall. The room is more like an asylum cell, the room is fully padded, what I think used to be the white pads now are yellowish, four bright light bulbs at each corner of the room. A bed is a step off the ground and it doesn't look comfortable, with no pillow or blankets.
There are markings all over the wall, it is like the result of some kinds of wild animals were caged inside and destroyed and stretched all over the place. The disgusting smell coming from the mail slot is making me dizzy, it is almost the combination of all kinds of feces, it reeks of pee especially.
All of a sudden, a huge bump coming from inside the cell, even the wall shakes. I stepped back immediately and fell on my back. A hairy finger reaches out, the nail is ridiculously long and poorly cleaned, I can see white worms crawling under the fingertip. I crawled towards the cell trying to figure out what was that even though I knew I didn't see anything inside the cell just now. Maybe someone is inside, a mixed feeling develops in my brain, I am scared of what is inside because no sane doctor will put a normal patient in that kind of living environment but also I am curious of whether whatever is inside the cell maybe knows where did everyone go in the hospital. I am sitting under the mail slot, the warm air that reeks of pee leaks from it makes me gag. I have to cover my mouth and my nose with my hand, I look up into the mail slot, big googly eyes are staring directly at me. I can't tell whether it is a man or a woman, I can't even tell whether it is a human or an animal. Messy strings of hair cover its face, buggers sticking at the corner of its eyes. Judging from the sound of it made from bumping the door, whatever is inside must be huge, it screams and yells trying to get out from the cell like it has rabies. Its drools dripping from the mail slot, I am scared for my life, I don't understand what is going on, why do I wake up in this empty hospital, what surgery has been performed on me, how come no-one is here to help me. The light appears to be brighter and brighter, I can't hear anything with my ear, my brain is empty and before I know, I am losing my balance and gasping for air.
I wake up in a contained room, no window, no door, four walls surrounded me. The room is maybe 7*12 or even smaller, a wrinkly map appears in my hand, it has my name on it. I am sitting in the corner of the room, still in shock not knowing what happened to me. A bright LED light on the ceiling shoots to the corner of the room, it is almost like it's trying to tell me something. Both my hands are on my thighs while kneeling at the corner of the room, the shadow of my messy hair shows on the wall. There is nowhere to hide in this tiny box, I shouted and yelled for someone to notice me, I keep running in circles till I tired myself out. Eventually, the feeling of knowing I might never get to get out and might end up like whatever creature that was in the other room defeated me. It felt like the longest time of my life. I stretch the corner of the wall with my nails, I kept digging for days, my fingertips are bloody and barely recognizable.
The crack on the wall turns in to a hole, it is getting bigger and bigger. No light shoots from the hole, I don't know what is out there. I stick my head in it and squeezed my body out of the room. I left the room. I see the pure blankness, it is empty and meaningless. I feel nothing, there are no more emotions, I am numb and dull. I look at the wrinkly map in my hands but cannot remember a thing.